no time for new writing...suppose I'll post some old...

06.21.10

If you swallow the darkness, must you first evict the light?

How can You still be You if you're living inside me? Do you choose not to look into the

darkplaces? Are they somehow not dark or are they somehow not me?

I wear this world like a cheap pair of sunglasses, to dim what seems too bright.
I am deeply afraid of the dark and equally frightened by light.

I live in a state of twighlight that exists in my own mind

Numbing all the good and bad-I sell myself on "fine".

07.18.10

Sitting at a coffee shop watching the rain and begging for inspiration. The great frustration is that inspiration is a force I can't control. It comes from the great Uncontrolable one and is a gift that I can't shrink, counterfeit, or make manageable. There is no algabraic combination of coffee, art, or good music that will produce the perfect creative exhale I can't control it any more than I can control my breath. The discipline is not in forcing myself to box out a certain amount of hours in the day, bucks in the budget, or songs on the ipod. The discipline comes in dropping everything when the wave comes, riding as far as it will go, and picking back up my life when it washes back out.

Wow

Most girls don't have a great relationship with their father.

Most people never have the privilige of having a true best friend.

I have been blessed with 3 "best friends"....the chief of whom is my dad.

I swear I must be God's favorite.

Growing up....

When I was younger, I used to get all worked up over every little thing. Especially being the confrontaphobe that I am, I would sit and stew for hours over even the tiniest slight. The older I get, the more I am able to discern who is being hateful or harsh toward me because of something I did and who is behaving harshly because of something in them.Despite my countless imperfections, 9 times out of 10, I find it's the latter.

float

Ever feel like a Tsunami is coming and you forgot your swimmies?

I feel like that today.

Quotation

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.
Mother Teresa

Banned...

If I could ban certain phrases I would. I realize that I, most thankfully, do not run the planet. Nonetheless, if I did? These would incur a fine:

1- "Outside the box". Note: If you use this...you have set up a homestead inside the box

2- "Im just really mature" Note: Not.

3-"Get on board." Stop the train. I'd like to get off.

4- "I'm not prejudiced but_____". You are prejudiced.

5-"Would you like to open a ____ charge account?". UM no. I am PAYING you with REAL MONEY. That's how commerce works.

6- "She's a big Christian". What? Are we talking about size or devotion?

7- "Sometimes I wish I were still single. I mean sometimes I want to eat one thing for dinner and he wants another. ". You're right.I can't imagine enduring such hardship. Try to be brave, dear. Try to be brave.

Breathe

Whew..today I feel like all of those words in the title should be separated. I NEED to BREATHE both physically (chronic sinuses) and spiritually. Increasingly, I understand why the word "spirit" comes from the original "breath".( And yes, I AM pushing up my nerd glasses as I revel in etymology) For the ancients, our spirits were so important...so connected....so much a part of us that they were believed to be our very breath. Sometimes I think they understood themselves better than we do. I live in a culture that pushes the spirit as far back and as far down as possible, a culture that, however subtle, applauds and encourages us to ignore it, overlook it, try to starve it, try to overcome it, try to "busy" it to death, but still there seems to be something in us, something as natural as the need to inhale, that reminds us that something invisible....and wonderful...is there.I'm looking at it right now. I'm in a Barnes and noble, and not matter how pitifully generic, I have to wonder why people (TONS of people) choose to sit here, relax here, work here instead of other faster and more efficient environments. I have to wonder if there is something about being surrounded by works that inspire....something sacred in the surroundings of music, art, and people that draws us out of our offices to pay double for a book, triple for coffee, and spend an hour of our day here. At least, that's why I'm here.

Tangent? Yes.

The point is, if you know me, if you've ever seen my ipod, if you know anything about me, you know that I am darn near obsessed with a band named needtobreathe. Honestly, I think musically they're great....but that isn't saying much because I don't know beans about music. My real adoration comes from the lyrics. It seems like every song, nearly every verse holds something that is like that breath for the spirit, feeding that part of me that I ignore most days. Inhale, exhale, verse, chorus, those guys will probably never have any idea how much their words mean to those of us who are so moved by them.

A few examples:

• We were born to embrace, not accept it. We were given nothing more and so we kept it. As the colors of our boots keep fading, we live a life that we hate without saying.
• May the songs I sing bring joy to You. May the words I say express my love. May the notes I choose be Your favorite tune. Father, let my heart be after you.
• Leave your hurting on the road behind you....No, your sorrow, it can't save you. It won't answer for what you've done.
• I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far.
• When the answers and the truth pick different sides, will You still find me-will You still see me through smoke?
• Just cause I'm wrong, it don't make you right.
• The hurry's gonna bring you to your knees. I know this much is true. Your eyes are gonna rob you of your thunder, show you everything but you. We're caught when our hands are off the wheel and our foot is on the gas........
• I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I'm in reach because I am down on my knees waiting for something beautiful.