Growing up....

When I was younger, I used to get all worked up over every little thing. Especially being the confrontaphobe that I am, I would sit and stew for hours over even the tiniest slight. The older I get, the more I am able to discern who is being hateful or harsh toward me because of something I did and who is behaving harshly because of something in them.Despite my countless imperfections, 9 times out of 10, I find it's the latter.

float

Ever feel like a Tsunami is coming and you forgot your swimmies?

I feel like that today.

Quotation

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.
Mother Teresa

Banned...

If I could ban certain phrases I would. I realize that I, most thankfully, do not run the planet. Nonetheless, if I did? These would incur a fine:

1- "Outside the box". Note: If you use this...you have set up a homestead inside the box

2- "Im just really mature" Note: Not.

3-"Get on board." Stop the train. I'd like to get off.

4- "I'm not prejudiced but_____". You are prejudiced.

5-"Would you like to open a ____ charge account?". UM no. I am PAYING you with REAL MONEY. That's how commerce works.

6- "She's a big Christian". What? Are we talking about size or devotion?

7- "Sometimes I wish I were still single. I mean sometimes I want to eat one thing for dinner and he wants another. ". You're right.I can't imagine enduring such hardship. Try to be brave, dear. Try to be brave.

Breathe

Whew..today I feel like all of those words in the title should be separated. I NEED to BREATHE both physically (chronic sinuses) and spiritually. Increasingly, I understand why the word "spirit" comes from the original "breath".( And yes, I AM pushing up my nerd glasses as I revel in etymology) For the ancients, our spirits were so important...so connected....so much a part of us that they were believed to be our very breath. Sometimes I think they understood themselves better than we do. I live in a culture that pushes the spirit as far back and as far down as possible, a culture that, however subtle, applauds and encourages us to ignore it, overlook it, try to starve it, try to overcome it, try to "busy" it to death, but still there seems to be something in us, something as natural as the need to inhale, that reminds us that something invisible....and wonderful...is there.I'm looking at it right now. I'm in a Barnes and noble, and not matter how pitifully generic, I have to wonder why people (TONS of people) choose to sit here, relax here, work here instead of other faster and more efficient environments. I have to wonder if there is something about being surrounded by works that inspire....something sacred in the surroundings of music, art, and people that draws us out of our offices to pay double for a book, triple for coffee, and spend an hour of our day here. At least, that's why I'm here.

Tangent? Yes.

The point is, if you know me, if you've ever seen my ipod, if you know anything about me, you know that I am darn near obsessed with a band named needtobreathe. Honestly, I think musically they're great....but that isn't saying much because I don't know beans about music. My real adoration comes from the lyrics. It seems like every song, nearly every verse holds something that is like that breath for the spirit, feeding that part of me that I ignore most days. Inhale, exhale, verse, chorus, those guys will probably never have any idea how much their words mean to those of us who are so moved by them.

A few examples:

• We were born to embrace, not accept it. We were given nothing more and so we kept it. As the colors of our boots keep fading, we live a life that we hate without saying.
• May the songs I sing bring joy to You. May the words I say express my love. May the notes I choose be Your favorite tune. Father, let my heart be after you.
• Leave your hurting on the road behind you....No, your sorrow, it can't save you. It won't answer for what you've done.
• I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far.
• When the answers and the truth pick different sides, will You still find me-will You still see me through smoke?
• Just cause I'm wrong, it don't make you right.
• The hurry's gonna bring you to your knees. I know this much is true. Your eyes are gonna rob you of your thunder, show you everything but you. We're caught when our hands are off the wheel and our foot is on the gas........
• I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I'm in reach because I am down on my knees waiting for something beautiful.

Domestic

Cooked real food tonight.
Relaxing in clean house.
Heavenly night in.

why am i obsessed with haiku?

a hot soy latte
a great imagination
gracious solitude

Artsy-Fartsy

That's all I want to be lately....

I just need 24 extra hours per day and I'm all about it! :)

Do you ever feel...

Sometimes I look at people...and I see the same problem, issue, weird thing that the rest of the world sees. The only person who doesn't see it? is the one who has it.

And then I wonder, am I that person for the rest of the world?

Do you ever feel like you have a blindspot that the rest of the world sees?

I have no idea

whether I'll one day refer to this time as "the lost decade" or the "best years".

Arrows

Everyone has a chief insecurity....

May I never make anyone feel worse, less, purposeless because of theirs, even if is different from my own.

The perfect moment:

I'm sitting on the back patio of my new home. The temperature is a perfect 65 and it smells like autumn. I'm drinking a soy chai latte with my lil dog snuggled beside me and Needtobreathe singing "something beautiful" in the background. Could this moment be any better? I suppose the only thing one could add is ____.

If I were honest:

If I were honest, I'd tell you that I can't decide which church to go to this morning and my reasons for attending either are more selfish than I'd like to admit.

I'd tell you that the kids who rang my doorbell and ran have no idea how much I love pranks.....or how badly they frightened me....or that I nearly killed myself leaping from the bathtub and trying to get to the door.....or that it's probably best that they ran..

If I were honest, I'd tell you that I feel incredible loneliness most of the time and that my busyness is more of a coping mechanism than a necessity.

I'd tell you that I went to a concert this weekend and spent more time pondering the sky than the band. There was this weird cloud-cover that was so thick it seemed impermeable. I thought to myself how that looked a lot like my relationship with God right now....how the light is still visible, but it's through a nearly opaque cloud that I don't really understand. Sometimes when God and I have an issue...ok most of the time...it's my own fault. But sometimes He's just distant and the space between us is no more my creation than the cloud. I think this is one of those times.

If I were honest I'd tell you that I had a quiet time this morning and although it wasn't exactly encouraging, I still loved it and miss the endless mornings of summer when I could linger as long as I wanted.

I'd also tell you that I don't understand why God felt it so necessary to put it in scripture that the world cannot stand a "bitter woman who finally finds a husband". (Proverbs 30). and that I prayed for a long time not to be bitter.

If I were honest, I'd tell you that the spiritual temperature has raised at work and confirmed once again that I am exactly where He wants me to be. It also confirmed that right before God wants me to move somewhere, He makes me inexplicably miserable in the old place. He knows me well enough to know that I need that sort of confirmation or I'll never make a decision to go anywhere or do anything.

I'd tell you that I'd rather write than go to church this morning. I'd rather write than finish the coffee in my cup. Most days I'd rather write than eat.....and I wonder if I'm any good at all and if the desire to write is more to help myself than to help anyone in the world. and that despite all that....I secretly want to be a professional writer.

If I were honest, I'd tell you that I'm only writing this because i think that most people who would read it could relate at some point or another and that I'm laughing because I still chose to post on the blog that most people don't read.





.

echo

I keep a blog-collection of letters that I've been writing to the youngest of my family. Some short, some long, some informative, some simple affirmations.

Today's post went like this.

You're beautiful
I just wanted you to know you're a wild and beautiful creation, a product of the same one who designed the stars, the ocean, and everything else beautiful in the world.

His heart is for you. It always has been.

He loves you more than I do....I know it's true. I just can't conceive how it's possible.



As I re-read the post, her little voice came to mind saying, "Cissy, how do you know?"

I found myself in tears in the middle of a coffee shop as I realized the answer is, "Because the same is true of me".

Thoughts from the train...

Authenticity is not convenient
A soft heart often will never allow you to maintain the facade of emotional control that is expected of you.
Tears pour at inopportune times….and don't show up when they're most appropriate.

Authenticity makes people uncomfortable.
It's as if our refusal of the blankness, of the numbness, somehow challenges their own embracing.
It takes more courage than comes standard and more intentionality then most would choose to spend.

Authenticity, is in itself, an indictment
It exposes a mutually accepted, and often endeared falsehood,
as a wall of evil surrounding the Holy of Holies.

Authenticity is what makes the citizen of somewhere else seem a foreigner here.
and awakens a deep homesickness in the most acclimated expatriate.

A week at home.

I'm spending this week in my home-town (specifically in my parent's house). Where my passion is student-ministry. My mom's passion is Vacation Bible School. It is a year-long obsession for my family and I'm home this week teaching the teen class. Up here it is rare to find a bonafide "student ministry" and sometimes their own corner at VBS is the extent of what teens get. It's been a few years since I've spent this much time at home (and nearly a decade since I've done any kind of ministry here). To say it's been different? HUGE understatement. Here's the week so far:

Saturday night: Came in just in time to grab dinner with the family at the local Mexican restaurant. I had my very first taste of Mexican food there when I was 16 and it opened. Crazy, huh? I still walk in and the waiters know that I'm the white-girl who speaks Spanish. so funny. It was buzzing with local rafting traffic.

Sunday: Church in the morning. My parents are now attending the church that they started at before I was born. It's a PRECIOUS group of people in the MOUNTAINS. We do lunch with my grandma. Fried Squash? OHHHHH so good. Sunday night is the first night of VBS. Can't believe it's here already. I haven't exactly had a day off from working with students in.....um.....a month? two? But I love it and these kids are AMAZING. I love them already. They seem way more normal that my parents had prepped me for. They're leaving to go watch the MTV movie awards.....these kids are TOTALLY normal.

Monday: Ok...I need to get out of the parent's house. I'm craivng some wifi and a shot of espresso. I venture out....way out....20 minute drive out and find a coffee shop. I work on tonight's lesson for 6 hours...6 hours! How did that happen? It was good (ok..I THINK so). I forgot how hard this stuff is to do with no help. I'm worn out....but I'm LOVING getting to spend time with my cousin Samantha- she's 10 years old-a mini-me if there's ever been one. She worships me right now. I know that won't last forever- so I'm leveraging all the influence i have right now to send her in the right direction. Did I mention...I'm tired and overwhelmed? Oh, and the students explained to me that their favorite thing to do on Youtube is look up the Gaither Vocal Band. Maybe things are a little different here.

Tuesday: Lunch with the grandma....who is planning for me to come "work with the youth" at her church. What does that mean? It means they have no youth group and they want me to come in and do ....something.....for a day. I love students...but a plan is most helpful. We finally get a date...sort of ....down and I head back to the coffee shop to plan for tonight. Somewhere on the road I have a total breakdown. Overwhelm met overworked. They both collided with overcommitted and I lost it. My mom called in the middle-awesome. After explaining my somewhat broken state, my mom begins to rant on my grandmother..."She just wants you to come up here so she can brag how she's your grandma. She'll drive you crazy until you get this date down and then she'll just want another. She's not even thinking about your feelings or your life. She just wants to use you!".........the line went silent for a while and then came the breakthrough...."and I'm doing the same thing". What was that? For the first time, my mom cut me some slack on this whole thing and it was great. Now..into the coffee shop-my safe haven.

Wednesday: Better day, no doubt. I slept late and that did wonders. I have no lesson to prepare for tonight since we're having a water balloon fight. Awesome. I did go looking for coffee shops closer. No luck. Back for the 3rd day in a row to said coffee shop (why do I love it here?) for a 5pm skype meeting with our student pastor and my co-creative-content volunteer. Is it weird that this totally energizes me.....why does this feel so normal. Am I homesick? Holy crap, I'm homesick in my hometown! No wonder the last few days have felt so weird. Wow. After church, I go visit the other grandparents and wonder...just like every time..how many more visits I will get. I love them and it's hard to watch them getting so feeble. Afterward, I head to the car....stopping for a second in the rain just to soak in the feeling of being in the lot where I grew up playing, remembering what it's like to see a LOT of stars when you look up. Then I realized how much this felt like a sappy movie scene and got in my car, slightly embarrassed.


Thursday: Praise God, I'm going to Walmart. It's a 45 minute drive, but that means I get to stop at a starbucks-where I'm typing this very entry. OH STARBUCKS I've MISSED YOU!!!!! I would kiss your floors, but I've heard the stories of toilet-water mopping. I'll contain myself. Oh iced coffee with soy...OH SOY! Oh Wifi uniterrupted and nice decor. OH an espresso machine that doesn't sound like a road construction crew!!! I'm WAY too excited about this! I have an hour to get tonight's lesson ready to go. Last night of actual teaching. Want to do something special for the students. We'll see!

September 2009-WHAT?!

That's the last time I posted on my PERSONAL blog?
My professional blog has lagged...but it isn't a YEAR out of updates!
Sadly....that's a pretty decent reflection of my life.
Well, enough of that. I'm vacationing from my professional life for at least a month and writing without the filter of an educator.

Whew.



Question of the day:
What would my life look like if I clicked "reject" on calendar commitments as easily as I do on blog comments?