If I were honest:

If I were honest, I'd tell you that I can't decide which church to go to this morning and my reasons for attending either are more selfish than I'd like to admit.

I'd tell you that the kids who rang my doorbell and ran have no idea how much I love pranks.....or how badly they frightened me....or that I nearly killed myself leaping from the bathtub and trying to get to the door.....or that it's probably best that they ran..

If I were honest, I'd tell you that I feel incredible loneliness most of the time and that my busyness is more of a coping mechanism than a necessity.

I'd tell you that I went to a concert this weekend and spent more time pondering the sky than the band. There was this weird cloud-cover that was so thick it seemed impermeable. I thought to myself how that looked a lot like my relationship with God right now....how the light is still visible, but it's through a nearly opaque cloud that I don't really understand. Sometimes when God and I have an issue...ok most of the time...it's my own fault. But sometimes He's just distant and the space between us is no more my creation than the cloud. I think this is one of those times.

If I were honest I'd tell you that I had a quiet time this morning and although it wasn't exactly encouraging, I still loved it and miss the endless mornings of summer when I could linger as long as I wanted.

I'd also tell you that I don't understand why God felt it so necessary to put it in scripture that the world cannot stand a "bitter woman who finally finds a husband". (Proverbs 30). and that I prayed for a long time not to be bitter.

If I were honest, I'd tell you that the spiritual temperature has raised at work and confirmed once again that I am exactly where He wants me to be. It also confirmed that right before God wants me to move somewhere, He makes me inexplicably miserable in the old place. He knows me well enough to know that I need that sort of confirmation or I'll never make a decision to go anywhere or do anything.

I'd tell you that I'd rather write than go to church this morning. I'd rather write than finish the coffee in my cup. Most days I'd rather write than eat.....and I wonder if I'm any good at all and if the desire to write is more to help myself than to help anyone in the world. and that despite all that....I secretly want to be a professional writer.

If I were honest, I'd tell you that I'm only writing this because i think that most people who would read it could relate at some point or another and that I'm laughing because I still chose to post on the blog that most people don't read.





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