In the strangest places

So no surprise, I haven't been on the "teacher blog" much lately. It's interesting how the teaching stops but your identity as "a teacher" never does. I still find myself thinking about school, about kids, about lessons, even though I'm not technically supposed to think about those things for another 7 weeks.

Here is an example

Many posts ago I talked about a young man in my classroom who took his life. One of the things that I told my students, as I did my best to help them process was "It is ok not to feel anything right now. You're not bad and it doesn't mean that you are not affected or that you didn't love Chris. Grief always pops up in the strangest places. You may be driving down the road 2 weeks or even 2 years from now when all of this 'hits you' for the first time. You may be sad, then fine, then sad, then fine, then angry...and it's all part of the process-". It's so easy to say those things without really believing them.
Even as I said them I secretly felt guilty that I hadn't reacted with the emotion that seemed "correct". I hadn't been really sad or really...anything.
Strange how we often teach what we most need to learn. I have found that it wasn't until the summer, when there were no students to "help" that my own grief began to "pop up in the strangest places". It started in dreams, talking to the young man, asking why, and waking up to realize that my subconscious was trying to sort some things out. I realized that taking care of 100 students doesn't change the fact that I lost one, and that despite all logic, somewhere deep down I still felt responsible for the loss of one entrusted to me. Weeks later, out of nowhere, I found myself thinking of this young man while riding on a train, tearful while drying my hair, and weeping as I drove alone in my car. I think a more accurate observation would have been that grief sometimes "pops up in the strangest places" and sometimes it just erupts there.

I say these things not to be sad but to celebrate. God always seems to use the summer as a time to heal and this year is no different. While the process isn't always pleasant, it is far more pleasant let God in to do his work than to continue as if nothing was ever broken. Moreover, I am delighted to know that He still sees value in working on me; that He is not finished.

That said, so far it has been a great summer.