Snippets

Sometimes God is quiet...and sometimes I swear He is hiding.....and then, out of nowhere, it seems like He is everywhere and He is speaking directly to me. This is one of those times. I am so thankful, and I know it won't last forever. So, I am trying to take in every word, meditate on everything that I am sure is His...soak it all up so that when times are dry again I can look back and be sure of at least a few things.

Here are a few snippets of what's being said:

• Life means so much. Delight in it. Don't miss it!
• Yes, you DO want more and yes, I put that in you.
• You are not only worthy BECAUSE of me...you are worth TO ME. That's a big difference.
• I made you to be in close relationship with others who are running the same race. There's nothing selfish about wanting that.

No one says it better:

If you think you are too important to help someone....then you are being foolish. You are not that important.
Paul (from Galations 6:3)

Goodness, I wish that one didn't hit home...but it does.

Balance?

I blog WAY more on my professional blog than on my personal one.......that just doesn't seem healthy. I'll work on it!

mmmmmm

Kashi Strawberry Waffle
+ Simply Fruit Strawberry Jam (a tiny bit)
+ Cool Whip
__________________________________
Just changed my life :)

In the strangest places

So no surprise, I haven't been on the "teacher blog" much lately. It's interesting how the teaching stops but your identity as "a teacher" never does. I still find myself thinking about school, about kids, about lessons, even though I'm not technically supposed to think about those things for another 7 weeks.

Here is an example

Many posts ago I talked about a young man in my classroom who took his life. One of the things that I told my students, as I did my best to help them process was "It is ok not to feel anything right now. You're not bad and it doesn't mean that you are not affected or that you didn't love Chris. Grief always pops up in the strangest places. You may be driving down the road 2 weeks or even 2 years from now when all of this 'hits you' for the first time. You may be sad, then fine, then sad, then fine, then angry...and it's all part of the process-". It's so easy to say those things without really believing them.
Even as I said them I secretly felt guilty that I hadn't reacted with the emotion that seemed "correct". I hadn't been really sad or really...anything.
Strange how we often teach what we most need to learn. I have found that it wasn't until the summer, when there were no students to "help" that my own grief began to "pop up in the strangest places". It started in dreams, talking to the young man, asking why, and waking up to realize that my subconscious was trying to sort some things out. I realized that taking care of 100 students doesn't change the fact that I lost one, and that despite all logic, somewhere deep down I still felt responsible for the loss of one entrusted to me. Weeks later, out of nowhere, I found myself thinking of this young man while riding on a train, tearful while drying my hair, and weeping as I drove alone in my car. I think a more accurate observation would have been that grief sometimes "pops up in the strangest places" and sometimes it just erupts there.

I say these things not to be sad but to celebrate. God always seems to use the summer as a time to heal and this year is no different. While the process isn't always pleasant, it is far more pleasant let God in to do his work than to continue as if nothing was ever broken. Moreover, I am delighted to know that He still sees value in working on me; that He is not finished.

That said, so far it has been a great summer.

LOST?

Sometimes I feel like I'm in an episode of LOST.
Characters that you think are long-gone, tend to pop up again in the strangest places.

For the last few weeks, the talk of the teacher work-room has been that there is a position open at West for a Spanish/basketball coach.

Tonight I got a facebook message from the recipient of that position. I have known her since she was born. In fact, she and her brother were my very first friends in my mom's Sunday school class (I was 3). We haven't spoke in darn near a decade.....and yet I find myself so excited to hear that she will be in town. (Blue Ridge people can be like family). This sort of thing happens all the time. A character from the very beginning will pop up without warning. Sometimes I think God just wants to wink at me and say "Hey, watch this". :)

Diablito, Angelito,
Love your quiet
hate your grito
Full of fire and so petite
Sweet Javier is my perrito.


I wish I could love like you, perrito
unrestrained and over-the-top.
Affection pouring, never tired
with not a thought to it's return


I wish I could rage like you perrito
snarling, growling, angry barks
Honest explosions in earnest disdain
regardless of what they think of you.

May 29th.

So my birthday is coming up. This is the cake I want....just sayin' is all :)

Town Hall For Hope

It was stinking ridiculous....SO GOOD!!!!




www.townhallforhope.com

hmm....good quote

"The holiest of all holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; The secret anniversaries of the heart."

Henry W. Longfellow

A Measure of Spiritual Growth

Most mornings, I make a cup of coffee, walk into my office, and spend a few minutes with God. It really is one of my favorite times of the day.

Nonetheless, I laughed recently when I realized that it is the only time of day when my Chihuahua will leave the room. I used to gently throw him out during God time. Now he sees the coffee, knows what's coming, and just prances right out on his own.

Is it twisted that I see this as a small win? At least I've been consistent enough that my dog notices ha ha ha ha

2 blogs

Some may wonder why I have 2 blogs. Teachonpurpose, my professional blog, has been great for connecting with other teachers and sharing professional stuff....but the other side of my identity, my Altar Ego (misspelled intentionally) goes here. This one is for thenon-professional side, for the heart stuff. With that said, I think it's safe to say here...that right now my heart's a mess. This week one of my students killed himself. What do you even do with that? I don't think it's an over-dramatization to say that, for me these aren't just students-they are the little ones that God has entrusted to me-and they all have broken hearts at the same time. It's a little overwhelming even when I don't think about the fact that one of them was hurting enough to take his own life. So, I suppose, for those who want to ask, "how are you doing?"....I'll tell you I'm ok, but it's only a half-truth. The other half is that I'm still waiting on the dam to break, and that I would give anything if I could put into words just how much I love and hurt for my kids.
It will be ok. I know.
The heart's just not there yet, and saying so requires me to, hence the name, put my ego on the altar.

Sweet Moments

Today, my dear friend, Farrah Isbell asked me "So, how is Crystal doing?". I knew what she meant. She meant....how are YOU, not your job, not your ministry, but YOU. This is one of the reasons I love Farrah. She asks questions, to which the generic answers won't do. I'm always a little perplexed when I have to think harder about that question that the typical "How's it going?". Shouldn't I know better how I'm doing that how my job is doing? Shouldn't I have a better read on my own state than the state of my students? Strangely enough, that's not always the case. Thanks, Farrah for asking how I'm doing!

I spent part of the day today asking myself the same question.

The answer is...mostly the same as I always am-loving the Lord, fighting a cold, arguing with my diet, etc. Nonetheless, there is a stark contrast to last semester. (As a teacher, i still measure my life in semesters, not months or years). IF you know me well, you know that last semester was rough...not just in my job...but in my life. If I were really honest, I'd probably tell you that worked through some depression for most of the fall and part of winter. I'd say that the biggest change since then is in the time I spend with the Lord. There's nothing life a rough patch in life to teach you how little you can do without Him. Of course, as the quantity of time with Him began to increase, so did the quality...and those sweet moments have returned..the moments when I realize He wants to be with me and I want to be with Him. There are few things in life more precious than knowing that the creator of all things would like to meet with you, and that nothing in your day is more important than that meeting.

Friday, I did not go to work and I was not sick.

It's cabin weekend.

At least once each semester, some great lady friends and I take a day or two off and rent a cabin in North GA, with a hot tub of course. We don't do much of anything besides watch movies, sit in the hot tub, and relax.

This morning, I sat on a 2nd floor porch swing, read my current favorite book (Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller) and had coffee with God and He spoke to me. Don't misunderstand...He is nearly always speaking to me...but listening comes easier when surrounded by mountains I suppose.

It took a year or two before I stopped feeling guilty about this. It was that long before I realized just how much "cabin-weekend" does for longevity in my career. We all want to punch that person who says "At least you get summers off". They have no idea-I know. They have no idea that none of us could do it, mentally or physically, without that kind of break. (but that's another blog). So, shame on me if I let my personal days (3) expire at the end of the year. Shame on me if I give up a weekend with the girls for one day of class instruction. Shame on me if my teaching suffers for it the rest of the time.

If you're reading this, I hope you're encouraged. I hope you look up how much leave you have left and look up the nearest rest-spot that makes you feel alive. (www.ticacabins.com isn't bad). I challenge you to take a day off and see if your days-on aren't more productive and more fulfilling for it.

Single Life

Oh please do go read this!
It made my day!

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/02/493-getting-single-people-married-as.html

So the older I get (wow..that makes me sound really old), the more I am convinced that everything....EVERYTHING is spiritual.

This week God has shown up in the strangest places for me. In a walmart giftcard, in a cup of tea (I don't like tea), in a hand-made blanket, 2 puppies, a tv series, a smile from an old friend, and the "ah-hah" moment of putting 2 and 2 together for the first time.

Does that ever happen to you?

Do you find the divine peeking out in the strangest and most secular of places?

I've always heard this and used to think it was unnerving. If everything is spiritual, then every decision, even the tiniest, has spiritual significance, a right and wrong answer.......and a consequence. Everything. Who can live like that? So like many, I abandoned the whole idea for a more popular "trust God and make your own way" theology. And out went the baby, his bathwater, the tub, and the plumbing.

For years I missed so much. I found "liberty" from the fear of a micromanaging God, but for it traded the thrill of seeing and knowing and tasting and smelling the God who so often reveals himself in the most "micro" parts of our world, a roadside bush, a donkey, and a still small voice.

We can't stay paralyzed, obsessing over every decision for fear that choosing the wrong breakfast cereal will somehow anger God. Nonethless, when the decision is made, we can still find God in that same breakfast cereal. That's the divine beauty of it. God doesn't need my perfection to make a way for Him to show up. Perhaps, He just wants me to take notice that He's there.


As with everything, I'm still figuring it all out (ok...hoping to figure out something....anything?). But for today, I am so thankful that God showed up where I didn't expect Him just because He loves me enough to make EVERYTHING spiritual.

The best story ever...

So today the janitor came by to chat.
He's a sweet man (though sometimes troublesome) and he looks like a pair of green overalls would turn him right into Luigi.
After a half hour, he told me he went to buy groceries.

I really needed to get back to work.

And then he said........

"I walked out to the car and they was this lady. She was holding the back of her head. She got in her car but was just a sitting there. She looked hurt. So I went to the window and knocked. I said 'Lady, you awright?". She was cryin' and said 'NO! I just got SHOT and my brains are coming out!"
I figured right there she's a nut case and grabbed the store manager and told him he had a crazy lady in the parking lot. They called the police. He came out and kept trying to get her to open the door but she wouldn't take her hands off her head. Kept sayin' she got shot and her brains was a comin' out. The policeman finally had to break the window...and you won't believe it. I just saw it and walked a lady. That dad-gum lady went grocery shoppin' and had been right by the canned biscuits when one exploded. And you know what was on the back of her head?...."

Wow...that's amazing.